tell me 'bout it.

ballerina in a music box

2006-10-10T00:09:00.000+08:00

A biiig parcel just came through courier today ! Sounds exciting, but its not mine :(

Mom is taking part in a standard ballroom competition soon, so of course you need all the glitz and glamour to go with the whole ensemble, and the gown came today ! Well actually she bought ANOTHER earlier gown, breezy chiffon blue with crochet to the waist, and weighed down by a gazillion swarovski crystals. Most interesting part is the back though, all bare down to the waist : D and goodness you cannot imagine how heavy a gown can get, cause its surely more than a kg. And I dont know why, but all of a sudden its mine now, or rather Im to wear it in future. Actually I do know, its called living out your aspirations through your kids in mothers terms, but what the heck. I bet its every little girls dream to don a sparkling gown and go twirling round a dancefloor. : D

Back to the topic, so this New gown comes, and I gotta admit that it does look quite stunning, albeit in a more sedate way. Its a navy blue with a slash of luminous lilac running from the front neckline, and swishing down across the back and ending at the skirt in what looks like a phoenix's tail, according to mother. Similarly its also weighed down by swarovskis, although i think the light blue one had more, and its got a pretty lilac chiffon underskirt that swings out when you twirl around !

You musn't be fooled into thinking that they came cheap though. Think some might be able to guess judging from the tailoring and amount of crystals piled on. First, the light blue costs bout 800 bucks, and only because its been like, third-handed. The one that my mom got now, cost about 2000 adding up all the transfer fees and shipping. Mind-boggling right. Tsk Tsk. And my mom didnt realise it was cheaper to pay by paypal, and she ended up paying a bunch of interest payments through bank transfers, and she had it couriered over cause she couldnt wait, and thats like US50 bucks i think.

I dont really have much purpose in this post, just wanted to update the blog. I felt you might wanna hear about this more than how my bowel movements have been these few days, hahahaha. :P

still stuck in limbo

2006-08-18T15:22:00.000+08:00

for this surely must be how dying a slow death feels like.

im just stuck on nothing and thinking of nothing in the face of everything. why cant i fling myself into a psychotic state of revision, instead of futilely grasping at the last straws of information as they slip from one ear to the other. when im studying it feels like a dream, if only that they are mostly fuzzy and disjointed, and the only memory is of what happens in those fleeting moments to consciousness. i honestly wouldnt mind it being a nightmare, least i'll be able to recall the facts with more distinct clarity.

and im afraid to yearn for it either, for it may surely end up in disappointment. it seems as if the more truly i desire of something, the more sure i am of grasping it, it always seem to end in a sharp and painful shock of reality. like the thing that never fails to bite you in the ass at the most unsuspecting, opportune times. for i know i do want it, know in my mind and heart that i must do it, yet i know if it keeps going like this, it'll surely end in tears and the most bitter taste of what implications are to come.

it seems the failures paving to this day are still not enough, for i have not learnt anything to save myself from yet an impending one. there will finally come a time when i will encounter it, the make or break all, and i hope(but with only the smallest of my heart) that i'll live past that.

oh God i hope i live through this.

juice it baby !

2006-08-10T23:33:00.000+08:00

these few days have been, interesting to say the least. alternating between pages of my notes and being totally intrigued by my bro's girlfriend. sounds like im an awestruck geek : /

i was actually quite adverse to the idea of her being here without my bro. like i dont know any girl in a right mind who would willing want to stay at their boyfriend's mum's place without said boyfriend. uh huh.

so see thats where shes like so different from here. it might be her personality i dont know, but theres just this casual openness that really gets people out and talking, like im literally interacting with another culture. isabella or isi, just doesnt know shyness. shes all loudness in speech ( i rmb when we first picked her she couldnt stop talking, loudly.), she laughs like shes really having a kick, and totally having a blast generally. its like she knew us for ten thousand years. and not only that shes pretty(mixed), darn intellectual(first class honours in history, political opinions, witty), very good at being a people person (NEVERRRRRR runs out of things to say, and she got me talking yo).

but i the point im trying to make (not totally idol-worship ya know) is that this is what i expect i would get when i go overseas to study. i didnt really have anything concrete in mind on how it'll be like, but i just knew it would be so different. and now that i've seen a glimpse of how it'd be like, i just really hope i can go somewhere other than here.im so ready to scream my independence and spread my as-yet-formed wings.

and the only way i can freaking do that is to get a freaking scholarship. ah damn.

another one of those..

2006-07-27T01:11:00.000+08:00

at assembly today, they were doing another one of those prize giving ceremonies, where you go up to bro. paul shake his hand and get some award or congratulations for the good effort put in. but this morning was kinda different, partly cause of the award being given out and what happened the day before.

i think what i really felt was a queer sense of amazement and socked-in-the-gut feeling, im not quite sure which one was stronger. this girl, took part in one of the dancesport competitions, and got championship for cat c standard. -cue sense of amazement- there are not a lot of teenage couples who excel in standard, and in all probability its harder than latin. so yea i guess i kinda admired her for a while for being able to be there. then -cue socked-in-the-gut feeling-. like out of the blue i just felt so, weak ? depressed ? out of world bad feeling ? failure ?

weak because i didnt have what it took to pursue what im passionate for, nor what it took to finish what i ventured out into. depressed cause i knew deep down, i could've been there and done the same, maybe even better. there's no explanation for out of world bad feeling, its like univerally unexplainable. and failure cause well, everything i tried so far seems to turn bad.

there was artistic gym in pri sch, which closed down when i was pri4. rhy gym in sec sch, which closed down in sec4. dance, which i just kinda stopped for no almighty or noble reason. and then canoeing, which i just never had the will to reach the end for. really sounds like some kinda jack of all trades but master of none.

yes and not forgetting what happened the day before. we were supposed to write up a brief testimonial of ourselves (its not really a testimonial, cause you just list down what you did and felt proud of/ sch should feel proud of, then your ht would whip it up into a nice complimenting shape). there was this part that said skill, and i wanted to put dance as my talent. i thought the fact that even though i havent actually participated in any formal dance class as of nearly 2 years, it is still considered a talent right ? i mean your talent doesnt just up and leave you cause you dont put it to use, because its well, your talent. buut my ht so pleasantly pointed out that NO its not a bloody talent because you havent done anything remarkable with it in a bloody long time and i do not deem it talent thus.

not in those exact words but she could have said that for all i care. i was so shocked i dont know what the hell for, but god i was bloody indignant and infuriated 5 secs later. who are you to bloody justify whether or not i STILL have talent. i was so incensed i launched into a debate on the definition of talent and justification of it, got myself all worked up, and at least minimally satisfied i proved my point. and all of that hot air just got disquietingly poked out of me the morning after.

i dont particularly wish to know or ponder why everything has been a bloody screw up up till now, the finer points of it just might result in self-destruction. i need my self-preservation now of all times, and not let now and a lot more to come, become another could've been in my life.

pop !

2006-07-24T22:01:00.000+08:00

im picking out nicely done and not so burnt popcorn out of a bowl of mostly burnt popcorn. i thought i got the timing right to the perfect evenly buttered and white popcorns but noooo i burned this batch. and the last batch i made, half of it wasnt even popped. :'( maybe its this stupid brand, cause i keep screwing up with it..

randomness really, but i love popcorn ! hehs.

ps. oh and if anyone has the song 'unpretty' by TLC, tell me where to find it please ! or just send it to me : D

Careless Callousness.

2006-07-22T20:01:00.000+08:00

went out for dinner with leen the other day, oh so impromptu and fun (:

we were talking bout why we didnt mix around much with people in school, or dont seem to be in the same wavelength in general. i dont feel as if i really go all out to avoid being friendly and casual with people and acquaintances, its just im not one for small talk, or really dont see the point in upholding such a sociable image for myself. and im beginning to wonder if that is a really good thing, generally speaking.

i dont like to attract attention. no seriously. i've never been one of those popular social girls who seem like they know everyone personally, and their main goal in live is to attract as much attention to themselves as possible (ok at least i try not to seem like one of them, although i might've been mistakenly associated to be part of a clique of 'bimbo girls'). not like im trying to brag or push it in your face, but sometimes i think i just unconsciously attract people's eye just for looking, ya know, different from most people here. and in response to this unwarranted attention, i think i just seem to draw inner into myself, unwilling to show anymore just for the taking. maybe thats why i always seem to be very stoic and serious, uncheerful and stingy on smiles, hahs. its only with people i know and are close to that i sometimes go a little wild and crazy, like bursting out of a bubble and into fresh air.

im not sorry for the impression i give off, because i cant see for the life of me being a social butterfly, constantly networking and caring bout your image. it all seems to tiring and boring. i'd rather let off glimpses at a time, and keep them wondering what im really like underneath it all.

live for yourself, and those you love.

2006-07-19T23:04:00.000+08:00

in reference to the post below, i thought i shouldnt make it so generalized cause it definately doesnt point to all canoeists. i love em, and the times we had together i would hold dear for a long time to come.

however some people (or more accurately again someone) is just so, i dont know, ignorant, oblivious, jealous (God-forbid, i dont know of what), or just plain petty and childish. i kept questioning whether it was just me, myself and whatever characteristics i display. then i realised, after all this while, that it was just wishful thinking getting everyone to like you or at least not hate you, and i was just wasting my time and self-respect doubting every action i did. so im through with that.

i try not to be hypocritical, and i definately dont want to indulge hypocritical people now either. thank you for all the times, but no thank you anymore.

another day gone by, another waste of time.

2006-07-16T02:00:00.000+08:00

when you were in secondary school, you would've thought that 7 or 8 subjects were too many to handle, and JC would probably be a breeze if there was only 3 to contend with. funny how that doesnt seem to be the case now, and im struggling with just three subjects. -sigh-

blame it on my atrociously short attention span, but i just cant seem to get my shit together. its been like bout 2 months that i've realised that i should probably get my ass moving, but its taken quite a while for that thought to translate into action (as witnessed from my mids results too, i got EEF for the record :/). i fidget and space out within almost an hour of studying, cant seem to link my thoughts together to form a coherent thought process, which always seem to screw up whatever understanding or connection i already have. ESPECIALLY for damn bloody god-damned math. maybe i should consider getting a tutor, just for the sake of getting some stuff into perspective.

anyway, enough bout studies already.

nationals were just this week, and frankly i dont really know what to feel about it. of course it feels kinda detached, facing these people who i once called my team mates, like its compartmentalized away in some archive of my past life. its awkward, though we're (ok me basically) being all smiley, encouraging and buddy buddy, pretending that there isnt this wide time lapse with nothing at all to fill it with. they moved on without me, and me without them,but we're at a crossroad again, forced to be polite and friendly for the sake of the past, yet cant help but look for an excuse to turn and walk on by.

i can honestly say that im not the type that make friends easily, and more so close ones. canoeing was the only thing we had in common, and we tried to think that that alone would be able to sustain our friendship and cloak the vast differences between ourselves. now that i think back, it was always the girls and des, and that was that. so after i quit canoeing, it pretty much got severed in one clean chop. they were there, in that place gearing towards nationals and feeling it, and im here, and quite glad about it. all i've got for them is a pat on the back for the good effort in at least finishing with a finale, cause anything else would be hypocritical.

there i've said it ! i never liked to mince words and pretend things are peachy when they're not. im a pessimist and i'll be damned if i stop being one, cause you're sometimes better off not clinging onto hope that will in all probability not transalate into any ending.

$$

2006-07-11T23:03:00.000+08:00

ahh i was this close to buying a pair of heels from gojane.com. i think they have the loveliest kickass shoes and tees, plus they're having a sale !! buuut i said i wouldnt splurge anymore, so no. thank goodness.

went out for dinner with peisi and keshia just now ! of course at sun with moon, but the food was really scrumptious (especially the sushi !!), and i think i downed them all in record time for supposedly eating politely in a restaurant, hehs. and not all good is without evil, for im set back by several buckaroos just like that. had a funnie discussion about that today, or more like a plan my classmates came up for my budget.

ok previously the plan goes like this. i get to spend a max of $2.50 everyday for school food (or actually the whole day), since school food averages around 2 bucks. then they calculated again, based on the assumption that i thought i had hundred bucks to the rest of the month (20 days). so that works out to about 5 a day right ? so i happily thought that wow ok, i got a wee bit more allowance. after dinner, i went to draw money and i realised that oh noooooo, i dont have 100 bucks left, but only about less than 50 after withdrawing.

50/20 = 2.50 ?! -sigh- therefore im still stuck with the $2.50 quota a day. ):

plus i have really bad news on my dismal and utterly disgusting results. stay tuned though, cause imma go conk out now.

nutchucks

2006-07-09T14:32:00.000+08:00

i sorta overheard my mom talking to my bro just now, and she was commenting on how im sucha saver, or 'squirrel' in her words. maybe she thought because i deposited 20 bucks into my other acc( i had to force myself :/) that im doing dandy fine financially. ahh well, we'll wait for the tons of packages im gonna receive this month, hehs : P

*on hindsight, i just realise that i have about 200 buckarooss in golden coins. so anyone need spare change ?

ever since kor came back, he's been drilling into my head that i MUST DO WELL FOR ALVLS AHHHHH. it's more than half as ominous as it sounds here than when he says it. -big sigh-. its not like i dont already realise that my whole bloody freaking future hangs in the balance (theoretically its not life and death situation, its whether or not i'll be rolling in cash or rolling in debts). really now, dont i already know. its just that human nature has this weird tendency to do less of what you're supposed to do and more of what you're not supposed to. like being on the com now, when i should be thinking up a bajillion geog essay outlines and conquering statistics like its easy peasy stuff.

grrr, fine. i'll be off now.

and she lives !

2006-07-03T15:51:00.000+08:00

ah hahhh. : p

mids are over, yet it doesnt feel like the time to be resting and having fun, and of course it isnt. its bout 3 more months to crunch time, so its definately not the time to be goofing around albeit a little fun sometimes wouldnt hurt anyone right ? right.

& its not like i put in a lot of effort for mids either, much as i like to believe i tried. its a no-brainer that i'll definately get some 40ies, or maybe 30ies ? im cringing at the thought of anything lower than 30, which would definately have my bro/mom on my case asap, *alap. better get my act together real soon, cause i have many huge plans waiting for me after As, so theres totally no sense and reason why i should fail now when theres so much i could potentially achieve. (hey positive thinking never did hurt anyone aight now.)

im so proud of my darling cuzzie too ! check out sat 1st july newpaper pg6 if you didnt already know. i always feel so proud when i tell people my cuzzie does really beautiful and kickass jewelry (: looking forward to spending more time with you and leen, cause God-knows how long its been since us 3 has had so much fun together. -bounces-

aight now, i better get back to doing the 3458714 no. of geog questions due. tata for now, i promise it wouldnt be too long the next time i update ; )

*i made that up, means as long as possible ! hehs.

this dark monotony.

2006-04-21T21:09:00.000+08:00

the days feel like weeks and months, and it seems that everyday im just waiting for something. waiting for more time, but im not sure for what. its like all that i've done in the weeks could be just summed up in one. there are ups and downs of course, frequent moments when i just experience inexplicable bouts of rage, so dark and inconsumable that it scares me, scares me that i could harbour such bitterness over even the most trivial things. people agitated me, things agitated me, and therefore i agitate me.

then im envious. envious of the seemingly beautiful, carefree and superficial lives others lead. i've become so jaded, so disillusioned that im unaware of the state my life is in. friends pass me by, friends i cared for at some point, but yet the bonds are being indefinitely blown away by the whisper of time. i long to reach out, to hug you, listen to you, smile and laugh with you, to let you know you're a friend of mine, and i love you. but i think they forgot to put that mechanism in, that ability that allows my emotions to translate into words you could understand, actions you could feel. it was never a part of me. maybe thats why im just left with this cold hard rage.

im not trying a hand at self-pity, its just stating the facts for once. the fact that im clumsy with emotions is probably the biggest understatement. (in my life at least)

Afraid.

2006-03-28T22:18:00.000+08:00

im afraid.

to commit, because of imminent disappointment.
to try so hard, but get nowhere.
to feel, and become numb over time.
to love, then be distanced and cold again.
to be happy, but met with accompanying sadness and pain.

but then i think, i already am disappointed, nowhere, numb, distanced and cold, feeling sad and painful.

therefore i shall not be afraid.

'please link your statement back to the question, and ELABORATE. dont make magic out of nowhere'.

beginnings of an addiction.

2006-03-14T19:32:00.000+08:00

the long break from trainning really got me thinking, bout the past year, trainings and everything that came with it amidst all the silent clamour of common tests. i felt strangely at ease without it, well and relaxed without the physical and emotional strains, and when i thought bout how the relentless cycle was going to start again, i resisted and sulked like a wilful child.

i began to think, damn was i really made for this ?without grace and elegance, the brute force of muscles and strength, far cry from what i enjoyed before. yet they are similar, in pursuit of perfection of skill, the satisfaction with every new level you came to, just in a whole different way. did i really belong ?maybe it just suited my fancy at that time, to prove i was made of tougher, but this dally has taken its toll, like a torrid affair it has taken root. of course lovers themselves remain oblivious, until friends commented how frazzled and weary i appeared. all i could think of was really now ? though it became grudgingly clear. stoned eyes, waning concentrations and bouts of stomach problems should've been enough warning.

but then again, its like a drug, and those were probably withdrawal symptons. it felt exhilarating to be back at kallang, like a balm to the soul it felt so easy. still, feelings of doubt and internal turmoil remain.

we'll see where this goes.

on a lighter note, i've been clubbing again. nyaa : P
i think im really quite an exhibitionist when it comes to dancing, and i dont need to be on high to be one either. it felt.. good, to know people looked on in awe, and some who even tried to emulate, hahs. twas good to be in that element again, reminds me how much i miss dance and the release it brings. buut i shouldnt get addicted either, as i have neither the time nor means for it. ahh well, once in a while. hehs.

-thud thud thud-

2006-01-26T22:32:00.000+08:00

why cant i just think very clearly before i speak, or just dont think at all. sometimes i cant believe what a bitch i am. urgh.

its probably the lack of sleep, consecutive trainings, school work and just my general self pmsing.but then again, who doesnt suffer from all these now ?

des is gonna kick ass. in a while, you just wait.

be my world/mountain/boulder/rock/stone/grain/dust

2006-01-20T22:16:00.000+08:00

for GP this week, we did Science and Religion. Science and Religion. mm. i dont believe in the whole God is one and christian mojo jojo, but oddly it does make a lot of sense to me now. man is simple, we sought to find explanations for almost everything, its like something innane in us to match everything to its correct place. and everything else we cant seem to find a suitable one for, we just throw it into this black hole called 'it's works' and not have to worry bout it. simple huh. i wonder how much courage or ignorance it takes to place so much faith into this being, to trust in absolute that it takes care of all things. oh how easy it would be to let it all go, to let loose on life without abandon, to know no matter what wrongs you commit, redemption would always be at hand. so why cant i ? just in exchange for my freedom of belief, my soul and a part thats always essentially mine. its almost too good, like an apple from the devil, cause they are opposites yet are so similar.

doesnt matter whether you get what i mean, just the fact that, no i dont believe/trust too easily.

this is getting almost too weary to carry on, so much angst thy has ! i hope its not a trend occuring in my posts, to blog only when i feel like im on the wrong side of the world, wherever that is.

theres too much to say, too much to fault and also for which i take fault for. but most part for naught, for ultimately it is the way things are in life. its no use crying and ranting, demanding and pleading, pondering and agonising over, cause goodness knows how many people have tried before me, and it still doesnt change a thing. change doesnt occur just because you will it to immediately. it takes time, a long long long time for it to happen and an even longer time for people to accept that its for the better.

im talking in rounds. ahh whatever, just as long as it makes sense to me.

sucker for jay chou.

2006-01-14T17:49:00.000+08:00

jay chou makes my heart melt, really. his songs are just so heart wrenching, and when you try to sing them at karaokes, lets just say its too tiring with all that angst. but i still lovie him ! hahaa never knew i could be such a sucker for chinese love songs.

new year, new start. cliche yes but its true. i think my most common answer when people ask me hows the new year been is that a) canoeing training is still as tiring and sadistically fun as ever and b) i've already started studying and doing my work. im definately gonna try my best to balance these 2 out, with the losing factor being my social life( hey not that its ever been very vibrant and happenening -innocent look-) math is fun, econs is mind-boggling, geog is erh geogy, runs still take my breathe away, sets are getting tougher/madder/more like a guys (?! aight just take a look at my arms : D) and rowing is THE SEX. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. (:

ahh ok im tired just thinking bout it, till next time ~

once bitten.

2005-12-19T11:35:00.000+08:00

so i got down to calling him, to end it all. it wasnt as hard as i thought it would be. he tried to converse, to make things sound normal, but i had to tell him. no more 'we can go out soon' and 'lets put this behind us' i dont want to hope then let it get snuffed out again. enough excuses, enough niceties, enough procrasination, i wont be someone you can call on as and when you want to, without obligations, without the responsibility of actions. you thought i'll be just like anyone of them, a novelty to be had, to placate with false fronts and shows of 'sweetness', but damn you i've got pride and dignity. true i was led on at first, but no more no more, im better than that. im also better than destroying the 'respect' the guys have for you, the pedestal and almost idolatry they had in their eyes. perhaps you deserve so in that area, but whos to judge, i know for sure i wasnt in it for that.

you said once, that you thought love was supposed to be kind and patient etc. my first impulse was to burst out laughing. i didnt mean offense, but its too ludicrous to even fathom. yeaaa im probably the most cynical person. but really, love at 17, theres just too little to think about. i guess thats where we're different, cause i've moved on past this stage in my life already, and not because of your faith as you so eloquently put so many times. im sure pious christians dont go clubbing and sadistic things for entertainment. but its all past, even if i wanna complain to the whole world on how unfair everything was, i shouldnt harp on anymore.

you made me smile, if only for awhile. perhaps i did indulge in a little puppy love, and it was warm and comforting, to have someone to share your daily life with. it saddens me no doubt, that i no longer have someone to bug and go out with, to spend my personal time with, to chat with late into the night, to be silly with. but what am i talking about, you never really were like that either, i just thought it all in my head. it still eludes me why it came to this, but i'll have lots of time to think it over.

and thank goodness for wonderful team mates. a good laugh, buddies you can let go with, people you can count on. for now, i'll be alright (: im a strong girl.

time to clear out that closet.

2005-12-06T20:39:00.000+08:00

and so i went for another latin comp last sunday, no not as a competitor, as a spectator. its intoxicating and nostalgic really, when you've 'been-there-done-that' and watch on from the sidelines now. the dances never seem to fail to awe and inspire me, and it doesnt really help that most i knew previously in those circles keep tailing me 'wasted la' and 'you should really continue, you'd have been really good by now'. : /

its really not that i dont want to go back to it, to know the thrill again, the excitement and the daring again. (i know i know its gonna seem like some lame excuse again eg. no time) it just feels somewhat scary, and like the moment has already past. its an intimate thing, i dont want to go into it unless i really feel like i can make time, effort and heart into it, what with canoeing and all now. buut not that im complaining bout canoeing, its really damn bloody tiringly fun, ya'all should check out the muscles i have now :D

secondly, i dont have a partner ! hah ! i think im really particular bout who i dance with, cause yea as i said, its a really intimate thing. i always seem to have this problem with guys, if i dont like them, i'll avoid them like the plague, yes really.so thats what happened with my previous partner, and it really is awkward to tell him how good he is now, when he finally made semis with someone else. mmm.

other than these, i'd really really love to go back to dancing. its an old and lame tune by now im sure, but yes i still do and still continue to procrasinate. sometimes i wonder, what if i didnt have dance and canoeing, commitment activities in my life, how'd it be like ? i think it'll be quite frightening with so much free time on my hands. so thank goodness i have trainings 4 times a week, marathon and expedition coming up, and a search for a new partner ! oh oh and reunion (:

lovie. (:

i dont dance well, i dance such that people want to look at me dance.

its been awhile

2005-10-08T18:45:00.000+08:00

i dont know where to start.

i realise im very protective of myself. i refuse to let anyone know who Desiree is, putting on false fronts and half-truths that im so disgusted by it as well. its hard to explain why, maybe i just dont wanna acknowledge im handicapped when it comes to trusting and loving someone, maybe i just dont wanna get hurt even before i start. its not that i dont want to believe in the people around me, to rely on the comforts of friends and family, its just that in the end, it'll always be me and myself alone.

the people that have cared for me, im terribly sorry it seems like i dont treasure you. somewhere deep down, if only i could show you, you mean so much to me, but the words just wont form, they clog in my heart in a painful mess of feelings. maybe distance numbs those feelings as well, but i truly do treasure you, old loves and new. but im not ready to give up just yet.

this post is about a jumbled lot of emotions i have yet to unravel, and probably never will. im not really asking for enlightenment, but a sign that allowing people into the recesses of my heart, though they might hurt me, is worth it. nothing beats being able to smile without a guarded heart, to know that the silence is not uncomfortable, and to just bask in the warmth of each others' soul.

i hope thats not too much to ask, for an emotionally retarded person like me.

ps. thanks to the babes who dropped a msg wishing me happy birthday, you made MY day so much sweeter (:

make me a happy little girl !

2005-09-06T21:13:00.000+08:00

wheee holidays ! or so it deceivingly seems.

well, cant say i have been studying A WHOLE LOT, just like a little bit here and there. (and the holidays are half gone :/)

instead ! i went to m'sia today for a short short shopping spree, bought loadsa stuff, making me really really happy ! -beams- ahh im sucha bimbo.but i bought so much stuff ! which still makes me happy.

gawd, im repeating myself.not been myself a whole lot these days.my appetite's been terrible, dont feel like eating anything half the time even if i feel hungry, stomach's not been good either (so whats new..). havent been self-training ! thats like my biggest guilt factor. its not as if a few sets of pushups and situps here and there are gonna help, i need to go GYM.

and i need to go and STUDY.ok anyone wants to book a study partner ?

maybe i'll wake up someday and realise i dont need you no more.

2005-08-27T23:00:00.000+08:00

The idea of togetherness, love, warmth, tenderness and mutual understanding fascinates you but you seem to be embarrassed by the thought of allowing this to appear openly. It would appear that you employ a cautious exploratory tactic in the pursuit of this objective, making sure that you are neither irrevocably committed nor found out.
Your situation is such that at this time it is essential that you resolve your inherent problems immediately. You are not listening nor taking heed from your many friends and advisers, all of which believe it or not, 'wish you well'. Most of your colleagues feel that your attitude is out of context - an attitude of recklessness and desperation. It is imperative that some solution be found, but whatever you do, think before you act.
Everyone, sooner or later gets that feeling that one has been cut off from reality, cut off from everything that's going on around them. It usually happens when there is a complete lack of understanding and co-operation - be it from friends, family or loved ones. So what can one do about it? Instead of pondering as to what the future may hold, do something different. Make a cup of coffee. Have a shower. Read a book. Watch your favourite soap opera. Because as soon as you become involved in something different, the original disassociated feelings will dissipate.
You are trying to prove yourself - not only to yourself but also to everyone around you. There is much that you would like to say and do but the situation warrants self-restraint and that is the last thing that you have on your mind. It would seem that you have an unsatisfied need to ally yourself with others whose standards are as high as your own. You want to be different - to stand out from the crowd. This is subjecting you to considerable stress but you tend to stick to your attitudes despite lack of appreciation. Of course, you are finding the situation uncomfortable and would like nothing better but to break away from it but you don't like the idea of compromise. Your main problem is that you are unable to resolve the situation because you continually postpone making the necessary decisions. You feel that if you make the wrong choice this would lead to such opposition that you would not be able to command the esteem of others. It is essential that those around you are prepared to comply with your wishes.
It is strange that the anxiety that you are experiencing at this time is of your own making simply because of your desire to be respected by your fellow man and with those whom you work with. You are not satisfied. The normal congenial 'you' is becoming quite introverted. This is becoming increasingly more obvious because you seem to shy away from participating in everyday activities. You are refusing to allow yourself to become involved or to participate with others and it is the reluctance to communicate that is the inherent cause of your problems.

try this http://www.colorgenics.com/sps/

absolutely.

what's to do.

2005-08-09T21:24:00.000+08:00

oh help.how long is it left to promos ?ahh dont tell me. -scowls-

im over my head in work, and i havent moved my lazy ass to do much this long weekend.someone plug me into the electrical cable so i can get moving !! :/

-moving moving lets get moving-

i need to start building up my strength too, im resolved to doing my best for canoeing !not everything that starts on a whim ends as one.

(:

ps. sorry that my posts have been oh so terribly random, shall try and blog more often too.and get back my bling bling woman !

spare change for love.

2005-07-24T10:25:00.000+08:00

this is possibly the last post in a long while, BECAUSE FRIGGING WHAMPOA DOESNT HAVE INTERNET CONNECTION. muahaha, damnit..

should wait for my bro to start moving over, then he'll fix up the damn thing.RAHHHH.

-

canoeing nationals !yayness to LIXIAN (girls capt !) for getting 2nd, and alvinweipeng for getting third.other then that, i think it was nothing short of disaster.we're definately gonna work on that starting from now to next year.uhm hmmm (:

-

someone told me once to 'never give him chance', i thought that sounded too harsh and so unromantic.but its shedding a lot of light now.i tried to understand, 'give chance' , but what the hell you(or as a general population) are too bloody daft to get it.i dont feel like getting it if you dont want to try and get it either.

please welcome me to the dilemma of love.and baby, your loving starts now.

goodbye for now.

2005-07-16T21:58:00.000+08:00

im moving, shifting away from my house of 11 years.i still almost cant believe it, its too surreal thinking im going to leave this comfort.but yes its only a week more.

tai keng gardens, im really gonna miss you a lot.the sky on my arc ceiling, my paperball of a light, big panels of windows, the garden/side terrace/backyard, even the fish pond and fishes. long walks home with the night for company, long nights at the hill with you for company. see you never really know what you have until you cant have it anymore.

maybe i should take a brick from the house for remembrance sake.mmm.

-

my grades are dismal. failed math and geog, enough said.

im gonna try and work harder, but for now its all on nationals !pretty exciting, only a few days away.this is after all what i sacrificed study time and social life for.shouldnt expect too much though, i know where i stand.

oh and its mentis opprimo materia X) yea whatever.

too much

2005-07-07T21:53:00.000+08:00

you're not good enough you're just not good enough why do i push myself so damn fucking hard and still im not good enough its the limit already im gonna break anytime soon physically and mentally dont you push yourself extra hard so you could do better why doesnt it work with me god knows how many days i spent aching torturing myself to strive for the better because i believe i can do it but its NOT GOOD ENOUGH it'll never be good enough i know i shouldnt give up hell its only 2 more weeks but why do i feeling like im backsliding when everyones improving pushing new limits when im stuck with old ones the bruises the raw blistered hands the leaden muscles the breaking body i cant catch my breathe its going too fast until i dont know what im doing what i am anymore.

but i wont give up, i absolutely refuse to.im not the blonde who swam halfway, decided it was too tiring and swam back.

and thank god for the wonderful people in canoeing, especially the girls.no its not only the crazy and whacked antics, but the underlying iwannabeatyousobad spirit that pushes us to hold on, together.ironic isnt it.

mentis oprima materia. i sure as hell can do it.

guess who !

2005-06-28T19:27:00.000+08:00

im back !! - big huge humongous guilty grin-

dont even ask, its been such a mad mad holiday.actually holiday would be oxymoronic.in short its been training/work/studies/training and some more.

tsk, so boring aye.

and i really have not forgotten about everyone, so please do come and bother me if you fancy :D

tata.

ps. is it just me, or does having exams on the first day of school just really spoil the whole mood ?

ps2. what happened to my bling bling and mah woman ?!all thats left of my blog is a lime outline of a box :/

not dead, yet.

2005-05-17T20:16:00.000+08:00

wazzap.

nothing new, just feel like blogging, well not exactly.just letting you guys know im still here !wahaha.

oh and did you know your stomach is your second brain ?just found out today when i dropped by Dr ang's for a $38 visit.got a shock, i imagine my dad's gonna get a bigger shock.at least my medication looks kinda cool, shades of green, the other time it was shades of pink.

randomness.

canoeing ! (ahh you knew that was coming didnt you)

feeling pretty good about it, aside from the fact that they intend to take monday from us too, which makes it 6days a week.but water training is good !still feel theres a monster in kallang river that keeps trying to make me cap(its called current, or waves. go figure)it rained on saturday, the very first time for a canoeing practice, and it was not very good exp.stinks a hell lot, water is black/grey/green-grey and loads of flotsam around(think stuff you normally find in the bin).not to mention i was 'lucky' enough to literally run into a dead puffer fish, dead bird, and dead wood.oh wooden plank i mean, really big one at that, almost thought i hit land or something.

the good part is my strokes are getting better !-beams- finally i at least have a feel of it.ok, gotta work on that one pullup tim wants by that one month, which actually has about a little over a week left.

uh oh.

ps.sorry if most of the posts have been about canoeing, its just that when you do something so often, it really just takes over your life.-sigh and waves good bye to social life-

snap out of it.

2005-05-02T14:19:00.000+08:00

im trying really hard not to hate school, trying really hard not to cross over to the mindset that school is too boring and i should sleep in lectures/tutorials.its all not really tough or mind-boggling(except math. OHH WHYYY DID YOU HAVE TO GO PICK IT AGAIN ?!)all i need to do is maintain a positive outlook and hey ya know, it isnt so hard, im not that stupid i cant understand this shit.and i do understand it, its just that sometimes my brain refuses to process information.like it goes in, its understandable, but its not stored.

URRGGGHHH i need more memory space and ram.

and application of what i have learnt.4-sided geog essays are really just not appealing enough, or magical math graphs that change at the whim of a sign.econs is relatively common sense and logical thinking, once you get the concept down.which i have yet to achieve cause my tutor messes up my logical thought process half the time, and leave me scrambling for pieces just out of my reach.my most favourite subject now is probably GP, which is real ironic considering the weight i put on words.they elude me half the time, and i dont believe them the other half.but the flow is going, so whos complaining.

projects !real interesting if you keep on schedule.which reminds me, econs one due on friday, and we havent even started doing anything concrete other then the survey.and im trying to finish my PW PI now, which is beginning to look like a GP essay.please dont fail me. my pw group is counting on my idea, maybe cause nobody is very keen to take charge, and i really want to realise my pet project.

lets see if i make or break.

f-uped monday.

2005-04-25T15:25:00.000+08:00

what is the grandest way to end a beautiful weekend ?

let me tell you.

1.5 hrs of GP, which we had a surprise essay to write, followed by econs, which i still havent done the second part of the essay.and you would think after break things wouldnt be so bad anymore.but noooo, had stupid math test, which had me clutching my head in agony because i didnt revise at all, and partly cause i was having such a horrible stomach sickness.

i dont know when it started, but i've been having weird stomach problems in the morning.i wake up terribly hungry(see i need to eat every few hours), am very glad mommy dearest has prepared some sandwich for me the night before, and just when im about to eat it, i get this horrible gag reflex that makes me want to heave out my empty stomach.it usually ends in the morning, but it just decided to have a grand climax today and carry on into the afternoon, together with dizziness and cold sweat.

and thats not it.decided to take early leave, called mommy, but she was having her check-up, so she told me to cab back.it didnt occur to me that i couldnt flag a cab at the opposite side of sch, so i thought, ok just take a bus down to toa payoh then cab from there.but when i got on the bus, i realise i didnt have my wallet with me, and tania had already gone on the bus earlier.

horror of horrors.

i dont know why i didnt just ask the uncle to let me drop at tp, maybe cause i was feeling so light-headed. so i dropped at the police academy nearby, which was still on the frigging expressway, trudged in the noon sun to the entrance of the academy, and desperately hoped some cabbie with super sharp eyes would see me flagging from the side. thank goodness there was one who was just coming out of the place, and i literally begged him to drive me to civilisation where i could get a cab, because he wasnt fetching at first.must've took pity on this bewildered schoolgirl who 'mei you dai qian bao', was 'bu shu fu' and stupid enough to try and flag a cab in the middle of PIE.

-sigh- tania said it might be stomach flu i caught from her, cause strangely enough she was feeling dizzy and puky in the morning too. i wish to the high heavens i dont get something like that.the last time i had food poisonning, it was a fucking puking nightmare for a week, couldnt even drink water without it coming out with whatever i hadnt puked out. and i heard stomach flu was worse.

bloody hell, i rather run 20 rounds, do 300 push-ups again, then go through that again.

then again, after all that and for the fact that my stomach is still churning, i still feel strangely happy, cause i've made a new friend. -beams brightly-

ok, shut up des.

the lady only dances dirty.

2005-04-17T00:31:00.000+08:00

britney spears is HOT. she brings the words nubile and gyrate to new levels, i swear.

was just watching a show of her inthezone tour, and she was so totally absorbed into her dancing and singing, its actually inspirational to watch.the beat is good, dancers wild(BREAKERS!), twas purely spontaneous combustion.watching her makes me wanna jump up and go wild.

i would die happy if i got to meet her choreographer.

if not for the hectic canoeing schedule, i'd probably feel dance withdrawl symptoms.hell, when was the last time i really got to dance ?(no that stupid audition didnt count, roll my ass)and its not just the latin, i've totally stagnated jazz and hiphop too.the rhythm's in my blood, always will be, i just need a good beat, set of moves, and it'll be rocking.i miss last 10 mins, everyones breathless and sweating, yet you just wanna keep going on and on, loose yourself in the music.

and latin, oh man.you've got a most wonderful, perfect chance to just be coy, sexy, naughty, basically everything you cant be in this contained society.its just you and your body (and your partner, but thats not really impt :P)

my mom strongly suggested i find a partner soon.she thinks just because im in a co-ed now, i can just randomly pick some guy to be my partner, like in a market.pfft, i dont wanna dance with someone whos waist size is smaller than mine, has no sense of music, and cannot take charge.-sigh- so little guys in sg dance latin, and if they do, they're either taken, too young, or has a waist size smaller than mine, has no sense of music, and cannot take charge.

i feel like joining dance, but thats like academic/social suicide cause i'll never find enough time for work, and my social life can go fly kite like its doing now.canoeing also doesnt allow 2 CCAs !!i just need some spontaneous adrenaline rush from time to time.

and for the record, i did 12km rowing and 300 push-ups.so much torture for a tiny bit of muscle mass and bragging rights, oh well.

canoeing again.

2005-04-14T20:21:00.000+08:00

training was pretty cool, finally went on something not as crappy as the salem, but the t1 is kinda tricky.first time i got on it, i was wobbling, like playing some freak ass butt balancing game with the river.ok then natural balance sets in (pays to be a dancer :D), and im pretty much happily paddling along, but some freak currents or SOMETHING hits the canoe, and its feels like someone whomped my ass. i didnt even have time to 'tap tap' like they thought us in 1star, its like if you're not fast enough to shift, down you go baby.and everytime i had a near capsize moment, the words 'ohfreakdontcapsize' or 'SHIT' just goes round and round my head.and it was 5 laps around kallang river, roughly 10km, so you do the math on how many times that could happen.

and the worse thing was, when i was paddling along, contented that i somehow managed to hold keep my craft afloat, this tpjc guy paddled by and told me i was holding my paddle wrongly.i was sorely tempted to capsize, or rather not cause that would only embaress me further now wouldnt it.

i actually thought he was joking.

but the worse part, or 2 worse parts, was when i was turning around at the bridge, near the mouth to the sea(?).the water there was so choppy, and then you had to like u-turn around, so sometimes your boat is parallel to the waves.only sheer determination kept me from capping.and the other time was when it got cloudy and windy all of a sudden(it was sunny, then cloudy, then cloudy and windy, cloudy, WINDY AGAIN.freak weather), my craft kept going off course, and if it isnt tiring enough doing the normal strokes, i still had to battle to keep from banging into the side of the channel.the weirdest thing was, i kept going in the direction against the wind !really really weird.maybe cause it messed up my paddle everytime it went up, it became like a mini sail.

and surprise surprise, i actually met a familiar face on kallang river.saw terrence on the tp dragon boat, or rather he spotted me cause i was trying to steer away from the boat cause of the whacked wind.i was so happy la, now i know i can at least hope to bump into him sometime and see his abso-freaking-lutely gorgeous eyes again, HAH.i also managed to not only almost collide with one, but 2 dragon boats.i think they were pretty amused to see a canoeist trying to paddle away from their oars before they started hard-paddling.

curse the wind and 7th lap, i was dead tired.and somewhere along the way, i could feel my fingers de-sensitising, my butt cramping and my back stretching(not in a good way).

CONSOLATION : didnt capsize !(HUGE PLUS) and one of the j2(samuel ?was dead tired)said i was quite fast.-BEEEEEEAMSbeambeam- (im a first-timer ok !)

canoeing is good all in all though (: i think some of the discipline is seeping into my life.some.and the people are lame-assedly hilarious.i promise i'll try to stay on as long as i can, if the trainings dont kill me, or the work that starts to pile up.

-sigh- we'll see.got land training tmr :/

ps. my ear is peeling, how gross can that get ??

chao tahed !

2005-04-11T20:04:00.000+08:00

yay !finally got my one-star canoeing after 2 days of getting grilled in the sun, soaking up the very extemely tasteful kallang river.

mmm it looks like i got a months worth of tan.my face is positively radiant now, and so are my forearms and thighs, even on my fingers, but not between them. :/ yayness to more uneven skin tones.not forgeting fibreglass cuts -winces-

but damn if it wasnt fun, capsizing and feeling half of kallang river rushing up my nose, quite lamely hitting the hull of the canoe before i can surface(just imagine if you really capsized, and then you tapped the hull 3 times cause thats what they thought you to do), and of course flailing (in the ridiculous bouyancy vest that doesnt really keep you afloat) to the end of the canoe and shout/yell/scream/shreik for help.the last part was hilarious, especially during mass capsize and suddenly you have the whole kallang basin filled with capsized canoeist shouting/yelling/screaming/shreiking for help. :D

on another note, i went to straighten my hair.ok, go ahead tell me im damned dumb, cause i really think i am.straight hair is just too disappointing after curly ones.wispy, weird looking and in need of a cut.

i hate straight hair, i hate practicality. -scowls-

to Him&Her

2005-04-09T00:10:00.000+08:00

how do you say goodbye ?

alright 3 2 1 lets go !!

2005-04-02T23:38:00.000+08:00

hurr hurr. i must be mad, decided to join CJ's canoeing team.

havent been physically active for almost 2 yrs, and suddenly im doing a 5km run, 100 over push-ups, sit-ups and jumping jacks.and that was only the first land training la !today we went down for water training at kallang, dragon boating.it would have been fantastic, if not for the rain which came in vertically, diagonally and horizontally.at times, we just sat there being pelted by the rain, feeling miserable and shivering in the wind.the rest of the times was hard rowing, which was basically just digging your paddle into the water over and over again, until it felt like your arm was gonna drop off from the sheer tiredness of yesterday as well as the effing cold.

but it was all good fun, havent felt so close to a unit in such a long time.the feeling when the coach shouts for 10 hard strokes, and you just paddled like your life depended on it, while you shout out the counts together.i'll say we were not bad for beginners :D though we lost the race against the other team and had to do 100 push-ups as penalty.which is seriously impossible, after like 40 my arms were already cramping if i did another one, and yet i looked over at the j2 guys at 90 counts, they were still going strong man.like MADD.

damn if my muscles are not screaming.i feel leaden from head to toe, and when i walk i can only shuffle along.going up and down the stairs can only be described as pure agony.

well, perk about canoeing is the eye candy man.all the dudes, have hot bods and damned nice biceps.and their looks aint that bad either.

sweeeet -grins-

hero, delifrance and blingblings = happiness (:

2005-03-31T20:53:00.000+08:00

CJ is so rocking, like rocking mountains and rocks.nevermind im so incoherent :P

im really having tons of fun here, and it feels almost like home already.my class is fantabulous, even the boys are helluva hilarious, co-ed aint that bad now is it !orientation was jolly fun, not just lame games for induction, but stuff like class strategy for operation : capture the flag, using our mouths(ok not me) to carry seawater to fill a bottle, KANCHIONG SPIDER !!-grins like mad- we did good breaking that miserly record :P i probably would have stayed on even if AC offered me a spot (which they didnt, but its all good -beams-). and seeing leenie everyday !biggest highlight of the day ! seeing a familiar smiling face just makes my heart turn up at the corners.

JIEN !met my pretty sweets on the bus back home, nearly glomped her on the chair.real bittersweet.we should do that more often aye ?

but the fun is at an end, tutorials and lectures are starting, no more faciles to baby after us, more notes to bombard us.im talking silliness, but you would too if you had 3 mths of work looking down from its towering stack.i promise i'll try not to procrasinate, put at least a minimal effort into revising, and not drift off in lectures.

and cca !i really should pick up a sport, something like touch rugby or canoeing, which i signed up for.maybe i should try out fencing too ?or shooting club !i swear, they have the weirdest cca, even one that runs the bookshop.

ok, ciaos ya all.

colours in a bowl

2005-03-26T16:00:00.000+08:00

i probably should give a short update for the sake of people who is mildly interested in my life.

new hair-do, its big and curly and could probably spell out spunk if it wanted to
posted to CJC, pretty friendly sch, though im appealing to acjc, just to try my luck.
stopped work.and im helluva lot richer.-smirks-

well thats a pretty short list.nothing very new anyway.

fruity pebbles make me inanely happy.happiness in a cereal box (:

ok then, seeya round.

wouldnt it be nice. -smiles-

2005-03-16T00:33:00.000+08:00

mmm, on the way home in the bus i thought about a lot of things i wanted to blog about, but my mind's a blank now.

hold on.

are you really ?

2005-03-08T22:35:00.000+08:00

oh man oh man i totally missed the ac dance audition like totally how can i be so stupid and why couldnt i take the bloody initiative to go talk to the teacher when i already went all the way down why did i not try hard enough will i never learn not to take things for granted but but why did i only feel like that moments only just slipped me by and theres only indifference left, oh only indifference.

sometimes i really doubt theres anything much that i live for in this life, if not only to find that one thing to justify my existence here.im not going into self-pity mode, its just indifferent lamenting.

what is wrong with me.

im just sitting in a corner, waiting for my life to give way, to crumble, disintegrate, slowly decay beyond repair, and one day just wake up to find everything is gone. theres no support left for the house, the roof is gone. would i really learn not to take things for granted, to try and piece back the broken pieces, or just let it fall apart more, each day, with each passing word.when would i have the courage to say 'no i dont want things to end this way, not without a fight', or is it that i wouldnt mind the sad truth, couldnt have cared less, if it happened anyway.

you have unwittingly given me an impression that nothing ever lasts, true love tarnishes against time, lovers grow weary of each other, no family is truly perfect.where was my previous conception, the one where you were the most loving couple ever.you taught me love cant feed you, love cant put a roof over your head, love cant make you truly happy.

and i believed you, hell you were my world.so when you crumbled, you showed me perfect had cracks in it, you branded my heart with the cold hard truth, hardened my impressionable mind with the overwhelming negativeness.i panicked i ran i hid i resisted, just anything to get away from it, away from you and your pain. one doesnt have to tell the heart when to build up this defenses, like how a wound forms a scab over time.

there was so many times i wished i had done something, not turn and cower, to allow this disease to ravage us, this disease called indifference.

what happens when one ceases to love or hate ? indifference.

and baby it flows through these very veins.

transition.

2005-03-01T00:09:00.000+08:00

ok, so i got around what i expected, but its till feels strange.its finally fixed, and theres no more second guessing whether i'll get over 20 or below 10.hahs.

i'll just take it as it comes now.

on another note, this crazy boy is asking me to cook and iron for him for 2 weeks, and in return hes letting me play with his dogs/ps2/drums/guitar/com. i havent met him(technically) and he's already told his mom about me.crazy boy.

maybe i forgot to add that i dont even clean my room on a weekly basis, i dont do the ironing unless its MY uniform, my poor smoke has to swim in dirty water because i dont change its water regularly(well i did last week, im not abusing it), and the only subject i experiment my culinary skills on is my brother, and he got half raw omelette.hehs.

then again i must be crazy to consider this deal.im so not domestic.

laughter stretched too thin.

2005-02-21T14:12:00.000+08:00

today is my day off !-woot- everythings dandy except for the fact that everyone else is at sch.hmmm.

SO !i've decided im going to start spring cleaning my room now(yea whaddaya know, im kinda slow).the pile of sec 4 books on the floor is growing dust at an alarming rate.

maybe not exactly alarming, it has been..3 months ? -sheepish shrug-

i think the only thing thats clean in my room is the curtains, and me !haha.oh well, time to bring on the suction power of the vacumm to my room !en garde, dust mites and misc. !

great, im on high about cleaning.

ok ok im going now, seeya later.-brandishes magicclean wiper(the duster is just too cliche and inefficient yea ?)

what i would give.

2005-02-20T01:34:00.000+08:00

did any of you catch chingay'05 ?i was in it !-beams-

after its all ended, things feel kinda empty now.no more practices twice a week, bouncing to atrocious techno music, no more those faces that have grown familiar, fond.

dont we always feel like doing that one last performance again ?

i had sooo much fun, even with the jolly round costume that managed to make us look like circles and squares at the same time.prancing down orchard road couldnt have been any more fun, waving at the endless crowds, glad that i had a perfectly valid excuse to act silly and bounce around, posing for pictures and shaking everyones hand.

the company is still the best.the girls are outrageously boisterous(though some are sweet and helpful too), the guys are immaturely hilarious(which is quite cute anyhow).when do you get an opportunity to interact with such a group of people for an event ? maybe i should consider joining up for the youth cultural event again.YCF'99, chingay'00, NDP'01 and chingay'05 were damned fine, priceless memories i'll have forever.

silly chinese songs by the mahjongg table.

2005-02-09T01:04:00.000+08:00

oh god, this has to stop.like STOP NOW, RIGHT NOW.

im hiding a monster in me, a deep, black rage trapped with nowhere to go.i just realised how much angst i have, teenage angst, life angst, family angst, love angst, daily angst.theres just so much just piling up and on and on till its so strong and deeply wedged i feel the need to hurt something really bad.it overtakes, overides, numbs the common thought, too damned suffocating, that madness seems the only way out.

and you didnt even know it. foolish, little, girl.

}{

i have an odd curiosity now, about how it feels like to strike something.of course not something living, dont worry i havent lost it all yet. i was thinking more along the lines of boxing, martial arts ?theres just so much pent up and restless energy, nevermind im working my head out 6 days a week.its a different sort of energy, the one that makes you feel like flipping on a handstand in the middle of the road (which i confess i've already done).and it'll be terribly essential for me to release my anger into something, for who knows how long i've been having bouts of.

theres a lot of my parents in me, like split right down the center. sometimes i have my dad's stoicness, sometimes my moms stubborness.i've yet to find myself there yet, whatever that means.

anyway, whos in favour of me picking up martial arts !or any sport for that matter.im growing soft (not fat, i dont need to add myself to the growing list of slim people who insist they are fat -snorts-).just the today i was late for work and sprinting the short length of orchard to forum, and i actually couldnt catch my breath. LOUSY, pfft.and enough about my mom nagging me how sickly i am -scowls- I AM NOT WEAK, enough of it.

-laughs- my thoughts are so scattered.i'll try and pen down the rage again some other day, it is chinese new year after all.

ps. just to state my view, i think thin legs are so terribly unsexy(think bird=crane/flamingo) some fat and muscle is the perfect combi to sexy, human legs. :P
ps2. thanks, all those nice people who keep msging nice cny greetings.the problem is i've lost all my contacts, so kindly drop me a note informing me who you are.

rocks in my head

2005-01-31T23:20:00.000+08:00

im terrible with finances, simply terrible.i just realised, that the the end of this month im missing a cool hundred bucks from my bank account and wallet.like remember i worked in december ? i got my pay, some went to the trust and stuff, though all in all im suppose to have allowance+whats left of pay in my acc.

BUT. im missing onefuckinghundred bucks. WTF.it means a lot to me, im poor as a teenager with adult concession. -grumble grumble scowl scowl-

it is not freaking possible that i have more then usual, yet im struggling on my last 5 bucks on the last day of the month. sure meals in town cost, so does the bloody freaking concession, but i dont spend SO MUCH on food, and adult concession has only been for a little over a week.plus, i was sick at home the whole of the first week, which means...I SHOULD STILL HAVE MORE MONEHHHHH.

majorly cheesed off.sorry if im rambling, i just feel damn cheated when im cheated on.

i have gone through my whole damn transaction history for this month and the last, and even though i have debts (sorry charlie), theres more then enough to cover for people who owe me money.i dont remember going on major shopping sprees (which is so damn rare for me i'll definately remember it), so where did it go ?!

i cant remember if anyone short-changed me, but i believe i got full allowance from mom and dad.

so again, SHOW ME THE MONEHH. -scowls even more-

i hate being broke, not a good feeling, like part of your ass is naked.

l'arc~en~ciel

2005-01-30T13:09:00.000+08:00

time seems to be flying by, its gonna be feb soon.i wish it'll fly faster, then i can get on with my life again.

i really hate being stuck in between transitions, between where you have no place to go, and theres no aim for you.did i mention i had a dream last night, that i was in jc with my girlfriends, and it was uber fun.it wasnt any particular jc, rather it was more like my old primary school, and we played fear factor during orientation (?) hahs.and there was a campus in sch, with a big black lake beside it and one night there was something freaky going on, something bout a weirdo monster.and then the faculty caught us investigating the 'mystery' during curfew time and we ran like hell all the way back to campus.

sounds like a super random weirdo dream huh.there isnt even something to describe it :/

aanyway thats what i dreamt about.strange thing now is, im still undecided as to whether i should be practical and go to poly, or try my luck out in jc.im really not the type to be studying and doing thousand word essays.then again, everyone has a diploma nowadays, how the hell will i survive without one ?

urgh this sucks, i want to be stuck in this transition now.

working at the body shop is uber fun though.the people are nice, maybe albeit lame and dirty too, hehs.body shop has super interesting products that we try at will when there's no crowd.the satisfaction of closing a transaction, especially a big one ( i managed to snag a few customers who spent bout 2-3 hundred :D) is uncompared to sitting in a office and making calls ( i thought i was gonna break down and cry if i didnt stop calling).not to mention the customers who walk in are sometimes really interesting.you get all sorts of people, chinese, malay, indian, jap, american,thai, german, english, indonesian, scottish, philipinos and all the handsome dudes !-SWOONS-when i say their hot, THEIR HOT.like blonde and blue-eyed, dark curly hair with a delicious accent, and even those thai gays (who were super de duper handsome, thats why they were gays i think)even the babes are hot !

i love the body shop :D

darkest before dawn

2005-01-19T05:20:00.000+08:00

at 5am in the morning, i have yet to sleep and am flipping through photo albums.

it really goes into emotion overload, remembering forgotten memories and discovering the past.all those holidays we had back then, when everyone looked a lot younger, smilier, but you can still tell the resemblances.mums beautiful smile, dads shy but jovial one, kor's thoughtful frown(which still pop's out once in awhile), weiru's unbothered stare(beautiful eyes run in the family :P), and my own bucktoothed grin.

blehh, now you all know i had terrible bucktooth back then.hee.

i can still remember, though its a little faint, a little bit from every point in my life.some make me grin and roll my eyes, some just bring an unexpected sting, a strike to the heart.

we were a handsome family.

body machinery

2005-01-18T13:59:00.000+08:00

i havent fallen off the side of the earth yet, im still here.

everyone seems to be too busy to care nowadays, what with their new life's starting and all, but im the only one still drifting inbetween transactions.feels weird not going to school somehow, like im on a super extended vacation.im not complaining, it just feels weird.

}{

on a slightly brighter note, i've been observing the skies at night, and its breathtakingly beautiful, the kind that makes you look up repeatedly even though its cranking up your neck.just the other day, i saw a poetic moon !it was a pale glowing yellow, tilted at an angle such that it looked like it was laughing too hard, or it was just sleeping.and later on i saw the north star and the orion's belt, as well as a few others i didnt recognise, and i can tell you the orion's belt is simply amazing.the shape or symmetry of it, i dunno, it just compelled me to keep looking to see if it shifted or anything.i've been looking at it for three nights already, and i still find it fascinating.then theres another pair of stars that look like they were holding hands, cause they were so close together !

hahs, im rambling already, seeya.

ps. im working at scotts the body shop now, go visit me aight !
ps2. but please dont ask for discounts, do so discreetly ;)

-reaches for another tissue and blows loud and disgustingly-

2005-01-08T01:11:00.000+08:00

i swear 2005 is a bad start, definate bad start.

i've been fucking sick for 5 days already, and if that isnt enough, coughing your rib cage out should almost be as bad for your health.

for those who are sqeumish, please skip the following paragraphs, thank you.

oh gawd, i think the amount of mucus and phglem i have blown/hacked out is enough to fill a bucket or something.and its also a rather interesting colour, yellowish green.sometimes i hack half the time, and all i can spit out is a measly lump of it, then theres also from my nose which flows nice and well all the time, on a regular basis of 5 mins, check the bin if you will.oh and did you know that SOMEHOW your bloody nose is connected to your eyes ?but im perfectly sure whatever comes out of the nose should come out fine by the eyes.

my eyes feel sore now, go figure.

this damn blasted fever had also better make up its damn blasted mind whether it wants to torment me or not.sometimes it comes on, sometimes it disappears for awhile then comes back and hits you in the guts.

its driving me inside out.i cant bloody sleep at night because its either so cold i cant feel my toes, my heart feels like its vibrating off my rib cage (oh yes, i did feel it, felt like i was in a nightmare, at that instant when you are saved by waking up, just that i was already awake.)and in the morning when the sun shines too brightly outside, its so fucking numbing i can only sit there and shiver.when the heat comes, its really turned on.i can feel my eyeballs roiling in the heat, my head bursting to be free and the heat straps on my shoulders like dead weights.

and to put the cherry on the mucus cake, i got my period.

i still havent fixed my phone yet.im going to go crazy if i dont get well soon.

burning up

2005-01-03T21:02:00.000+08:00

i dropped my phone into the toilet bowl. FUCK.

bloodyeffingofalltheWTHdamndamndamnAHHHHHH -mumbles off-

show me the map of my life

2004-12-31T19:28:00.000+08:00

i really dont like to blog.

i think having a blog is just a way for me to vent out or pen my thoughts down, since im always too lazy to keep a diary.

}{

my hearts been really heavy these few days.the kind which feels like its lying somewhere at the bottom of my rib cage.the kind that gets me thinking all sorts of weird thoughts that often enough start to contradict themselves.the kind that have me on spurts of abnormal highness and leads me to chatter/smile/laugh/behave senselessly stupid, when all i wanna do is breakdown and cry.the kind that synchronises with the weather patterns.the indifferent kind.

im stuck in this mid-zone of indifference, everything i do seems really the same, yet i have no great urge to right myself.there is no purpose, no passion, no will to excel in my life at all.i can safely say that almost everything i do, i've never put in the best that i could.my studies, my friends, my family, my life.

is this normal ?not really knowing what you want in life, just drifting along day by day, not feeling most of the time.

sure i'll love to be sucessful and rich, have my secure circle of friends, find someone to love and grow old with, but they are just ideals.i used to believe in ideals a lot, but now i think its unrealistic, too childish and blindly hopeful.

oh dear, have i really become cold-hearted.unfeelingless and diconnected.i'd love to think i enjoy solitude, but i cant let go of the albeit fickle comfort and security of people.but yet sometimes i truly believe humans should just fall off the side of earth.

i believe im mentally unstable.i need a shrink.i need a light in my darkness.

late nights and early mornings.

2004-12-14T22:57:00.000+08:00

BAHHHH, ninetofive sucks.like totally !like sucks !

pffft.thought i'll feel happy im earning my own money now, but its just so tiring.im so lousy, its only been 2 days and im complaining.and dont mind if i do !im gonna be blind or something, having to stare at the damn screen for hrs on end, and deaf too !i have mad about 400 calls in 2 days to weird, arrogant, and shituptheirASSHOLE bloody freaking annoying agents, and worse of all i have to be cordial.

oh yes, suck it alll up.-grumbles

sometimes i some across some super nice(albeit sickening and persistent), who blab one about the property(yes if you havent guessed yet, im an agent coordinator !sounds cool right, NOT) then i have to lie to the poor kind soul of having to get back to them, when im really not gonna, cause DUH, im only getting info.and i suck at lying, like suck.probably sound just as obvious on the line.

i've got terrible PR skills la.cannot convince and sweet talk even if my life depended on it --;

and i've also mad my very first mistake !!DUMDAM DUUUMMMM !(aside from all those little slip ups during the info stalking) was suppose to send the completed listing to my boss (who is really impressive cause shes 27 and already bringing in the 5-figured dough, i feel awed every time i talk to her :/) AND THEN i completely screwed up a simple task of sending the list via email, when i could fill in those 500 odd listings..

WHY AM I SOO UNLUCKY !bugger.

i really hope she doesnt fire me, even though i cant stand the terrible hours and monotonous tasks.

-sigh. wish me luck.

starry starry night

2004-12-09T18:58:00.000+08:00

i got job ! -big fat grin-

The Devil's Dance

2004-12-03T23:40:00.000+08:00

the glitz, glam and glory.

i missed the dazzling costumes that arent really there, the nubile, tanned sexy bods.the boldness, the teasing, the blatant show of seductions.the perfect hair, the perfect smile, the perfect body, which sole intent is to boast and stake claim to being the greatest.the meaningful sway of the hips, the flick of the wrist, the caress of a gaze, the way it seems so easy yet so intricate.the thumping and maybe cheesy music that just gets in your skin, your blood, and makes you wanna get down and dirty dance.

ok ok, i miss latin.and no, i dont think i really did any of the above.that is the ideal every dancer seeks hmm.

tee shirt babes

2004-12-02T17:12:00.000+08:00

i have never had such a fruitful shopping trip ever.like ever ever. :D

first of all, factory outlets rock.they rock ass !seriously.like almost all my shopping was done there even if we went to three outlets with the same stuff, yet a little more.and i found my dream cargo pants !like ultimate dream cargos, cause they were like almost close to my length, and as you know..thats hard to find, yep -nods-.

nothign could beat the company though, pei and leen make the ultimate shopping buddies, there is seriously no one else who can shop as much as them -big cracked up smile-

and they called my dad cute !probably cause hes the only dad in the world that would tolerate britney, mofatts, midnight cards session and desserting.best still, he tolerates shopping.

aint that cool ? :D

but back to reality, i need to find a job.bahh.

dancing queens (:

2004-11-27T17:56:00.000+08:00

grad was a blast.i had a blast :D lets upgrade to clubbing soon aight ?hehs.

and i'll be going off to KL in a few hours, and everyone else would be stuck in sg !

ohhohohoho, dont jealous hmm ?

gawd, i must still be high, really really high.theres a big fat grin plastered to my face now.huahuahuahua :D)) <-- my face has double chins !

ok ok, stop it. (:

i might be posting pics, if i ever figure out how to do so, and i just cant wait to go to malaysia ! :P

smoke and ash

2004-11-24T13:44:00.000+08:00

this post is dedicated to the GIGANTIC CICADA THATS HIDING OUT IN MY HOUSE.

come out come out wherever you areee~

i swear its frigging big, like the size of my palm(which is BIG in terms of insect size !)and even my bro is scared of it, BEAT THAT.im such a coward the moment it made its grand entrance from the toilet, i dashes straight into my room, without finishing whatever business i had on my com.then i realised i forgot to take my handphone (?!) then i had to plead with my bro to slide it over cause it conveniantly decided to play pretend with the speaker, which was like one feet away from my phone !

bugger.

why do all the frigging insects like to come into my house !effing irritating.there was even a humongous wasp with an angry yellow stripe on its back that came in through my window once.imagine how shocked i was when i awakened to the sound of something vibrating in my room, when it got its jolly self stuck between the curtains and window.i never leapt out of bed so fast before..well maybe when im late.

on another note,
lind, fangs and i decided to go karoaka-ing in some ulufied place in the tp safra.that place was like some sleazy pub that was on the brink of collapse, cause they couldnt even afford to turn on the a/c.but we still had jolly fun, belting out english and chinese songs.i think i was blissfully unaware of how bad my wabbling was, even if i did realise i went terribly out of tune a few times. AND SO DID LINDSAY ONG :D but surprisingly fangs of all people could hold a tune, even more shockingly, a high one.whooaahh man.she like totally kept her pitch while crooning to jay chou mann.

and lindsay ong could rap out jay chou's yi fu zhi ming la ! like wth, you would have thought she was his biggest fan.

poor me could only sing sammi cheng songs (all thanks to my bro and mum) and even so, we couldnt figure out what were the chinese words, so we conveniantly substituted it, hehs.

i had a rocking fun man, even though i still know that that big bugger is still in the room somewhere.pfft.

geog's tmr. ?!

2004-11-17T05:05:00.000+08:00

oh gawd, i must be the stupidest, blurrest person alive !

i happily trooped to school today, thinking 'lets get it over and done with' and when i reached there, hmmm, not many people around eh..oh well.then i went to the canteen, and all i've seen are 4N people, then i sported pam ! wooot.

and guess what she told me.
'eh, geog is tmr eh'
'HUH SERIOUS ?!'
'elective geog right ? yea its tmr' - procedes to giggle at me-

AHHHHHHH, dumb ass.TODAY is the 16th, TOMORROW is the 17th.-hits head on the table-i felt so mortified walking out of school, at 7.30am when everyone was walking in the other direction.and i kept thinking that everyone in the streets knew i screwed up something, and my uniform couldnt get anymore prominent.

all the time my conscience kept telling me ' you're soo STEEEWWWWPID'

even the auntie at the provision shop knew i was from cedar !!then she asked in chinese if i was going to school, so i was like, mumblemumbleurhyea.i lied to a poor old granny even !i must really be..bahhhh.

anyone who knows me well enough would know im the perfect person who would do something like this, especially after the bio episode.i dont learn do i ?

and it didnt help that i had a nightmare of me being late for my geog paper

>.<

please let it be over soon.

bye, colgate.

2004-11-15T16:29:00.000+08:00

i had 2 new black goldfishes, darlie and colgate.now colgate has died.

i feel damn, depressed. i love my goldfishes.

now darlie's acting all weird and stuff, and lilipoot has some white fungus on her head.

time to change my hazardous tank.i did get a new water filter though.

ps. this post might seem lame to you, but i love my fishes.

look ma, musical joints !

2004-11-13T13:08:00.000+08:00

i feel like an effing old grandma.so hear me rant !

my knees hurts like shit
my elbow hurts like shit
my shoulder hurts like shit
my hips hurt like shit, sometimes.

BLOODY HELL LA.im only 16 and i can crazk my joints like theres not tomorrow, foretell the damn weather (not theres much to tell since its raining like everyffreakingday).i pop my knees or elbows and this sickening crack sounds, and its really not normal to be able to crack your neck now is it ?my toes and back crack too, but they're not that bad, yet.

why am i like that ?!damn it.i dont want to be so old and ancient and creaky and immobile.i still want to dance till im grey and 60.

-sigh. anyone can reccomand an accupuncturist or sinsei ? i've been putting off the visit for too long.

Raw, red lips.

2004-11-11T00:26:00.000+08:00

i have an extremely compulsive habit, and its a vicious cycle.the whole of my bottom lip is raw from peeling, and dried skin and blood spots are the picture of it.

yuck.who would want to kiss me now -scowls-

bio paper was infuriating.i feel like i could have done better, and been there earlier.talk about lucky man, i rushed into the hall with just 3 mins to spare, madness.all because i thought that we were suppose to assemble at 2, when actually the damn paper started at 2 ! i know, stupidness.that probably set me off on my carelessness, cause i was having a damn adrenaline stupid rush, and my hands were shaking, and i was breaking into cold sweat.well, thats over and done with.

now, ENJOY :D

lindsay wears satin PJs. -oops...

2004-11-10T12:34:00.000+08:00

Os have been a big big whirlwind, i really dont know what to expect from my results.anyhow, i think im prepared even if i get more than 20, that'll really shock me out of taking things for granted.

so much for thinking im actually quite smart.

now, all i can think of is what i'll do after the Os, which old hangouts to go check out again,

-PICK UP MY DANCING AGAIN RAWRRRR-,

learn a teeny bit of breaking, find a damn job, then find all the extremely belated presents for everyone (sorry !), play loads and loads of com games (after i get my graphics card :D:D:D), catch up with the babes, SHOPPING.

i miss having a life.

and i love my blog too :D

back to blog III

2004-11-07T17:08:00.000+08:00

tadaaa ~
i got a new blog (: -thanks leen :D:D-
new funky blog to go with my new funky hair, and very soon i'll have my funky holidays !woohoo.

gehh, theres 2 more weeks left.i wish time would pass faster.

random : i need a new graphics card, so i can play games on my com !! grrr.somehow hearing warcraft from the OTHER COM aint as exciting as playing it itself.and i want a ps2, and i cant wait for the new starcraft 3 to come out.

hmmm, thats a lot to want for.dont i sound like a comfreak/guy now.

-

i need a new com.

leen made this

2004-11-05T18:24:00.001+08:00